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We often think about improving our relationships by changing what we say to others. We pay less attention to the fact that we also can change what we hear. Listening is the other half of the communication equation. We speak while others listen, and we listen while others speak. Except for when we don’t listen… Listening mindfully is more complicated than you might think.
According to Dr. Joseph Dispenza, humans process only 2,000 of the 400 billion pieces of information that come into our brain per second. This means that we only process a tiny fraction of what we hear from others. This also means we have some control over what we focus on when listening to others.
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention and being open to the present moment. Mindful listening then is about being fully present when interacting with others rather than thinking about your to-do list while your colleague is sharing about her weekend, thinking about what you’re going to eat for dinner while your partner tells you about his/her day, or sending emails while talking on the phone to your mother.
Listening is a socio-cognitive activity that is affected by our past experiences and our future expectations. When our brain is on auto-pilot, we listen more closely to people who have control over our future (e.g., our potential new boss at an interview) than those we will likely never encounter again. We also filter what we hear through what has been important to listen for in the past. In that same interview, we might focus on what our interviewer is telling us about flex time because we left our past job due to inflexibility of scheduling.
Awareness of the factors that influence what we listen for and who we listen to can empower us to change our listening habits. We can listen verbally, nonverbally, and relationally, using all five senses. We listen relationally by reading between the lines based on what we know about the relationship and our conversation partner from past experiences. When we do this, we can experience higher quality conversations with others. We can also build quality relationships with others and improve the relationships we are already in.
Listening mindfully requires us to comprehend what the other person is actually saying. Then we need to let them know we are paying attention and thinking about what they shared. We do this by showing interest and support through maintaining eye contact, nodding, smiling, and encouraging them to express their thoughts. In a sense, we become emotionally involved in their message and it shows.
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, recasts mindful listening as “receiving empathically.” Receiving empathically requires us to really hear what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. He defines empathy as “emptying our mind and listening with our whole being.” Emptying our minds to fully be present with someone else while they are sharing with us can be even harder than it sounds. Rosenberg admits that “the presence that empathy requires is not easy to maintain.” Instead of maintaining presence, our mind tends to wander, we offer advice, or explain our own perceptions of the matter at hand. Listening mindfully, or receiving with empathy, requires we give others the space to share without interrupting, advising, or correcting them.
- What Is Mindfulness?
- Find a mindfulness-based therapist
Asking strategic questions that help the speaker explore their feelings and experiences instead of asserting our own ideas and advice is a good way to keep the door open for listening. Try asking questions next time someone shares something meaningful with you instead of offering advice or talking about your own experiences with what s/he is going through.
Consider sharing your experiences with listening mindfully in the comments section below.
References
Pecchioni, L. L., & Halone, K. K. (2000). Relational listening II: Form & variation across social and personal relationships. International Journal of Listening, 14(1), 69-93.
Rosenberg, M.B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships. Del Mar, CA: PuddleDancer Press.
One of the competencies of emotional intelligence is interpersonal communication. Stepping up this skill is about a desire to genuinely connect with another.
If you lack interpersonal skills, the key is to become more mindful. Mindfulness is a skill that can be developed -- it's a daily discipline. It's about mental awareness and being present in the moment. When it comes to mindful communication, we are aware of the choices we are making and of our thinking and reasoning.
Here are the steps to strengthen mindful communication.
Being Present With The Other Person
When you are talking mindfully, you are conscious of the words you choose. You think before you speak and make a conscious decision to use your best communication in a respectful manner, even if it is a difficult situation. You are also mindful of your intention and aware of expectations that may or may not be met.
When there is a situation that needs to be addressed, being mindful can produce a better outcome and prevent the communication from getting out of control.
Here's an example. One of my clients was once verbally attacked by another executive. Even though they are equal in rank in the organization, the other executive believed it was his place to reprimand my client. Through our coaching, my client and I worked on setting clear boundaries with the other executive while being mindful of communication.
While it's difficult for most of us to remain calm in this situation, my client did, and he did not take the attack personally. Instead, he was able to shift the conversation into a productive one, arriving at the real root of the problem between the two of them.
Keep in mind that mindful communication does not mean being taken advantage of by others.
Being Present In Your Silence
Most of us have our response playing in our head before the other person has finished saying what they need to say. Having a response brewing while the other person is talking is not being present or truly listening.
Listening mindfully can be difficult for various reasons:
• You may make assumptions and jump to conclusions.
• You may become defensive.
• You might be someone who interrupts to get your thoughts in.
• You may want to quickly propose a "fix."
• You might hear what you think the person is saying rather than what they are saying.
Being present with your silence is about listening to another person with curiosity and non-judgment.
On the other hand, I'm sure you know what it's like when you're talking and the other person isn't listening. When this happens, we feel let down.
What’s important here is that they do believe they were listening, the caveat being they were not listening mindfully.
Bringing awareness to the thoughtless actions of others is part of mindful communication. A situation like I just described is also an opportunity to discuss how to improve the interpersonal communication between yourself and that person. It is an opportunity to mentor and coach. When this occurs, I tell the other person to simply give me a call to continue the conversation when they are finished with whatever they are doing.
Being Present With Yourself
The last technique to bring mindfulness in your communication is to take time to think about your response. Many times, when we're asked a question, our response is immediate, almost automatic. When asked "How are you?" we are all guilty of responding with “fine,” even if we are not fine.
Taking time to ponder and check in with yourself slows everything down, allowing you to do an inner self-check, asking yourself, “How am I really?” Mindfulness is about accepting our inner state without judgment. When we can learn to be present with ourselves without judgment, we can slow down enough to be present with others, aware of their inner state by mindfully listening and enhancing the connection.
What are the interpersonal benefits of applying mindful communication at work? These are just a few:
• There will be more engagement and collaboration because all parties feel heard and respected.
• Resolving conflicts will improve as more thought will be given to what is said rather than speaking impulsively.
• By becoming present in your silence, you will gather and seek information that will enhance decision making.
• Your empathy will increase, which is a key skill for leaders.
• Your emotional intelligence will increase.
Practicing the art of mindful communication is a challenge, as it requires us to slow down, be thoughtful and learn to listen more. As a coach, I encourage all of my clients to adopt some form of mindfulness. Those who do experience the benefits immediately.
The seventh chapter in Interplay centers itself around listening, and how vitally important it is in interpersonal communication. The first concept that I found to be interesting in this chapter is mindful listening. First, this book defines listening of the interpersonal type to be “the process of receiving and responding to others’ messages” (Adler, Rosenfeld, Proctor, 2015, pg. 206). More specifically, the book then goes on to describe mindful listening as “giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we receive.” The authors use examples such as when listeners tend to pay closer attention when the message is more important to them or concerns an important topic. This is as compared to answering to information mindlessly,…show more content…
They were talking to me about some drama happening in their life, and asked me a question about what I thought. I then said without thinking, “sorry, what was that?” Then, after they repeated the question and I was still focusing on my homework, I asked them to repeat it again. They became frustrated with me as I wasn’t listening, and I turned away from my homework and wholly devoted myself to the conversation. As I wasn’t very invested in the conversation, I wasn’t listening to my friend very intently thereby “mindlessly listening.” However, having been on the other end of this, I realize how hurtful it can be to be talking to someone and not have them be fully listening to what you have to say. Due to this, I would say mindful listening is a very good thing, and that there is no downside to mindful listening other than you can’t multitask when doing it. Mindful listening requires full attention and removes the hurt and ignorance of mindless listening. Additionally, in professions when mindful listening can save lives such as medicine or in the military, it is very important to be paying full attention to the matter at…show more content…
Paraphrasing is defined as “feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent” (Adler et. al, 2015, pg. 221). This strategy becomes useful when you want to clarify what you thought they said without asking them to repeat themselves. This creates a natural flow of conversation that specifies what was said without pausing the conversation and make it seem as if you weren’t listening mindfully. This strategy can remove the heat or tension from a conversation. I’ve personally, unknowingly used this strategy several times, particularly in high intensity situations. For example, I’ve used paraphrasing when having a conversation with my best friend about the death of a loved one. When his grandfather passed away, he was very upset and didn’t give a lot of information, so I was left to paraphrase his statements and clarify how he truly felt about the situation. It ties in very closely with questioning, however paraphrasing works more efficiently for defusing the high-stress situation. He would generalize about how upset he was and how he felt, so by paraphrasing I was able to determine the root of his distraught and how best to help him. If I had straight up asked him why he was upset, he would most likely have become upset and offended by my insensitivity. I support the use of paraphrasing, and most definitely